51. Time Off
A dastardly voice in my head tried to stop me from taking two weeks off in October.
You’re not doing enough.
You should feel guilty.
You’re a bad employee.
And it didn’t stop there. This voice also took it upon itself to anticipate what my coworkers and supervisors would think of me taking two weeks off.
They’ll think you’re not doing enough.
They’ll think you’re selfish.
They’ll think you’re underperforming.
Naturally, all those thoughts quickly spiraled into shame.
You’re a bad employee; therefore, you’re a bad human.
Wow. As hard as I’ve tried to disidentify from my mind, even writing and rereading these vitriolic words makes me feel ill.
However, untrue thoughts—especially ones laced with cruelty—don’t determine my actions. Rather, the sheer force of my internal resistance became a green light to:
Detangle my worth from my work.
Move headfirst through the misty illusion of fear-based narratives towards greater self-compassion.
Unapologetically give myself permission to live out my freedom.
Use my accrued vacation days and take the time off!
Still, I’ve found it hard to embrace and love all parts of myself throughout this experience.
A classic life lesson that we must choose to learn and relearn, over and over again…
In this situation, my inner judger / perfectionist has felt compelled to demonize my inner overachiever / workaholic / taskmaster. All of which is quite exhausting for my inner mediator / peacekeeper.
Unchecked self-condemnation really can go on and on.
But a helpful reminder came to me today in the form of a song. “To the People I Hurt” by Lauren Sanderson started playing, and this line in the bridge hit me right in my heart’s center:
To the people I hurt, I was hurting.
If my vicious voice were more self-aware, that is what I’d imagine it would say to me:
I’m hurting.
I’m worried.
I’m afraid.
And if it were being really honest, it would also add:
I need a hug.
Many parts of me are in need of many hugs right now. In remedy of that, I spent almost an hour hugging myself during a breathwork session today. Like magic, all my inner selves felt comforted and cared for.
Hugs truly can be the best medicine.