5. Waiting Without Doing
Waiting sucks. It can be downright uncomfortable.
I’m not really referring to waiting in line, waiting for an order, or waiting for your nails to dry.
For that type of waiting, we have infinite distractions to numb the discomfort. Phone in hand, we:
Swipe left and right on our homescreens a few times
Open up Safari and type in “youtube.com” because we’ve deleted the YouTube app in hopes of reducing screen time
Watch Bon Appétit’s Claire Saffitz struggle to make gourmet jelly beans
Well, maybe that’s just me.
I’m talking about waiting an indefinite period of time for something (or someone) that may or may not come.
This waiting is hard, long-lasting, and persistent.
I’ve been technically single my whole life—a connection here and there, never a capital R Relationship. But I’ve been truly single for about three months—no dating in person or online, no chasing after any ghosts.
So I’m deeply familiar with the uncomfortable—even painful—feeling of waiting for a romantic partner. Self-doubt, fear, and anxiety has a real knack for creeping into this space.
And the way that I’ve coped with these years of waiting is by being quite productive. I actively invest in myself—building new skills, learning new things, seeking greater self-understanding. Which is all great.
For example, I had a moment last week where I felt a bit impatient with my single-ness. Previously, this impatience would spark an urge for the immediate gratification of redownloading a dating app. Though dating apps have been great to me in the past, I know I’m not going to find the connection and intimacy I desire online.
Instead, I opted for a different action—signing up for another Tarot course called Nourishing the Wild Heart all about expanding our thresholds for receiving the sweetness of life. (A topic for another day.)
Again, investing in myself. Again, all great.
But then, my therapist challenged me to try sitting with the indefinite discomfort of waiting without doing anything. Feel the feelings, notice the physiological reactions, and do nothing.
What a radical concept.
I’m such a doer. Yes, I’m a human being not a human doing. But doing things, responding with action, allows me to redirect my discomfort towards potential growth. At least in this time that I’m waiting, my waiting is “productive”—thank you capitalism…
Waiting without doing anything to fix, improve, or distract goes against how I’ve always functioned. Rewiring this response is challenging. And it doesn’t sound like much fun. The Tarot course sounds like fun.
Even so, I understand where my therapist is coming from. There’s value in being present with unpleasant feelings—allowing them to wash over me and linger. Maybe I’ll process and release whatever arises.
It will take practice. And I’ll probably cap this “doing nothing” at five, maybe ten, minutes max. But we'll see how it goes.