24. Selfie

A friend challenged me to share this photo and write about my resistance towards sharing it. I rarely turn down a challenge.

There I was enjoying the warm San Francisco weather. A beautiful glimpse of sun in the midst of sheltering in place. I climbed onto the roof outside my window to soak up the sun, tucked in my tank top straps to avoid tan lines, slathered on sunscreen, and threw my hair back. When I realized how picturesque the brick wall behind me was, I took this photo to forever remind me of that afternoon.

Even though I personally love the image, publicly posting it never crossed my mind.

I’ve spent the past few years intentionally disengaged from social media. My last Instagram post was in December 2016. And I’ve gotten really comfortable floating on an island of relative online invisibility. I needed to remove all outside feedback, likes, and comments in order to find inner stillness and detachment. However, my comfort has turned into heightened resistance around posting social media content. Where there’s resistance, there’s opportunity for expansion.

Take this photo for instance.

The mere existence of this selfie makes me uncomfortable sharing it.

Yes, I could also nitpick the unedited content of this picture, but what unsettles me more is my brain’s story around the fact that I took a selfie in the first place.

My ego-driven narratives aren’t about the self-portrait (an art form that’s been around since the beginning of art), they’re specifically about the selfie. Selfies are caught up in my judgements of social media culture. Judgements built upon programmed beliefs around what it means to be a selfie-taking and selfie-sharing human.

By taking a selfie, I am vain…superficial…insecure…shallow…self-centered. At least I appear those things. Or at least my brain is telling me that someone seeing the photo will presume those things about me. And if people think those things about me then I’ll feel embarrassed and possibly even ashamed, because my brain also has stories around what it means for someone to be vain, superficial, and insecure.

These stories aren’t truth.

There’s a lot of unearthing to do in any encounter with strong resistance, and I have more to internally explore on this particular topic. But by sharing this selfie, I’m acknowledging my brain’s stories without letting them to dictate my actions. One more small step on the path of expansion.